


In for the Long Haul

by fictitiousLiterate



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Canon Asexual Character, Childhood Friends, Crack Treated Seriously, Fake Enemies, Fluff and Crack, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Past Bullying/Homophobia, Mutual Pining, No Dread Powers, Nonbinary Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Only Work Place Shenanigans, Other, Trans Martin Blackwood, he/they pronouns for jon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25984813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictitiousLiterate/pseuds/fictitiousLiterate
Summary: Martin meets his childhood best friend/ first kiss/ significant other after they get hired at Martin's place of work. Together they become the agents of chaos they wish they were as children.
Relationships: Background What the Girlfriends, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 146
Kudos: 435





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Jon and Martin meet, befriended, romanced, and lost contact with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a heads up: the first two chapters are background and are probably going to be more serious than the rest of the fic.

Martin hated his long hair. His mother never let him cut it. He just left it a rat’s nest most days. Other kids teased him about it, but they teased him about a lot. His size, his clothes, his handwriting, so the hair wasn’t a big deal. Until he was 12 years old a new kid came to his class. His name was Jon and he walked right up to Martin on his first day.

“Your hair is a mess,” Jon said pointedly. Martin assumed he was just another bully picking on the weakest link. “If you bring a brush and a hair tie tomorrow, I’ll fix it at recess.”

Certainly not what he was expecting, but friends were a rare thing for him. Worst case Jon would ruin his hair so badly it would _have_ to be cut. Wouldn’t that be nice? Except Jon didn’t ruin his hair. He sat and brushed it gently from the bottom all recess. He was gentle and patient when he did Martin’s hair. Apparently he had learned how to braid from a book and wanted to practice. He was very good for someone who had only learned from a book and Martin was almost never without braids in his hair. They talked together almost every recess and it was nice, even if kids said awful shit about him and Jon. They were each others only friend the entire school year until he kissed Jon that summer.

It had been the most terrifying thing he’d ever done. They were alone in Martin’s house because this was back when his mum was well enough to still work and Martin couldn’t help himself. Jon had paused in a rant about _Watership Downs_ and Martin had just leaned in. He kissed him quickly and pulled away, expecting to get yelled at or for Jon to leave. Confessing feelings by kissing seemed so romantic in movies but he felt so stupid and rude. Until Jon kissed him back, it was sloppy and involved way more teeth than he would have liked, but Jon kissed him _back._

They dated after that. It was mostly the same as before; they went to each other’s houses (assuming his mum wasn’t home), they went to the arcade, they talked about books, and Jon braided his hair. The only difference was that they kissed sometimes. Never around Jon’s gran or his mum, but they kissed.

Not long after school started back up, Martin and his mum had to move. They couldn’t afford to keep living in the same neighborhood and it meant Martin had to move schools. Jon had cried more than he had, but they promised to keep in contact. They did for a while but it was hard because Martin had to take on more and more responsibilities at home and got jobs on the side to make ends meet. He stopped talking to Jon when he realized he was trans. Jon got enough shit from people who _thought_ he was gay and he probably didn’t even like boys. It took everything in him not to tell Jon when he chopped off all of his hair. His mother had been furious, but it made him feel better.

He still thought about Jon. When he dropped out at 17. When he went on T. When he legally changed his name. When his mother went to live in a care home. When he got hired at the Magnus Institute because he’d lied on his CV. Jon probably didn’t think about him at all.


	2. A New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A face from Martin's past appears and a lot has changed.

The next time he sees Jon is while he’s working at the Magnus Institute when they’re both 25.

Martin learned over the course of about a month (so as not to attract suspicion) that Jon had long hair now and he kept it in braids. Jon used he/they pronouns and they liked to wear skirts sometimes. They also had a history degree from Oxford, his gran was probably so proud. They also apparently didn’t recognize Martin at all. Which should have been euphoric, but it could also have meant that Jon didn’t remember him at all.

It seemed that way until close to 2 months after Jon’s hiring when they walked into the breakroom, locked eyes with Martin, and immediately left. Were they avoiding him? Jon had been cordial with him when others were around, but being alone together bothered him. So they did remember and he remembers Martin as the person who broke his heart.

He imagined 13-year-old Jon sobbing in his bedroom typing desperate message after desperate message trying to get a hold of him. They must hate Martin. Even if they’re totally over it, Martin should apologize. Except he’s not about to out himself to all of research and Jon refused to be alone with him.

The breakroom was the worst. Jon would be laughing at something one of the other guys in research said and as soon as Martin walked in he’d stop. Usually, they didn’t make excuses to leave when someone else was in the room, but the tension was _palpable._ At one point Hannah, one of his coworkers, cornered him and asked:

“What happened between you and Jonathan Sims? Every time you two are in the room together the pauses are more pregnant than I am.”

“It’s not your business, Hannah,” Martin replied. She had rolled her eyes but didn’t push it. He was pretty sure he wasn’t the only one people were asking, either. Rumors started going around about all sorts of things from a messy hook-up to covering up a murder together. Having people at their new job gossip about him and the man who broke their heart probably just made things worse for Jon.

Obviously it annoyed them enough that they corner Martin while he was restocking books.

“Excuse me,” Jon says cold and distant.

“Can I help you?” Martin asks nervously.

“I’m going to ask you something and it might seem kind of strange but I need you to bear with me, alright?”

“Ok.”

“Did we know each other when we were around 12? I used to braid your hair and listen to you talk about _Pokemon_ during recess and in the summer you put aloe vera on my back when I was sunburnt because we spent the entire day at the beach and I didn’t think I needed any.” Jon says before shyly adding, “We dated for a bit, too.”

“Yeah,” Martin sighs, “and then I broke your heart. I’m sorry, Jon. We can tell people whatever you want to get them to stop bothering you.”

“ _You’re_ sorry,” Jon say slowly.

“I was 13 and I had just realized I was a boy,” Martin tries to explain. “I didn’t think you’d want a boyfriend. I’m so, so sorry I broke your heart.”

“I’m sorry, Martin,” Jon replies. “I made you feel like I was unsafe to come out to.”

“What? No! I was just...scared. It’s not your fault I _ghosted_ you.”

“I was a terrible child. You don’t have to spare my feelings.”

“Jon,” Martin warns.

“Fine, we both made mistakes because we were 13,” Jon relents. Stubborn as always.

“I’m sorry and apology accepted,” Martin says, somewhat reluctantly but what was he going to do? Argue over whose fault it was a long-distance relationship between teenagers ended 12 years ago?

“Apology accepted and I’m sorry,” Jon mirrors. “If it’s amicable to you I was wondering if you’d like to go to lunch with me next week? So we can catch up.”

“Oh! Sure,” Martin replies. They exchange contact info and pick a place to go. Martin tries to get the way Jon said “Martin” out of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put them in separate departments so there are more people from them to mess with starting next chapter.


	3. Prank #1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the fog of past mistakes mostly cleared, Jon and Martin forage ahead to further confuse their coworkers.

The restaurant they pick for lunch isn’t far from the Institute. Jon picks a booth in the furthest corner and Martin settles in with them.

“So, how’s your gran?” Martin asks conversationally.

“She...ah passed on a couple of years ago,” Jon replies. “I’m a full orphan now.”

“Good to see you're as morbid as ever.”

“It’s a gift,” they smile. “What about you, how’s your mum?”

“Still kicking,” Martin says and Jon makes a face. “Hey! She’s still my mum. She’s in a home now.”

“Sorry,” Jon says sheepishly. “So, what are we going to do the rumor going around about us?”

“Which one? The messy hook-up one or the “I know what you did last summer” one?”

“I know for a fact the second one is Tim’s fault. He works with me in research and he’s...certainly interesting.”

“You can say he’s a jock. I doubt he can hear you.”

“He’s a _smart_ jock. Friendly, too.”

“Do you…?”

“Good lord no, although he does date men if you’re interested.”

“He wore a bi flag as a cape all of June last year, I’m aware. Are you trying to set me up with your co-worker who thinks I helped you bury a body?”

“He _does_ have a very Brandon Fraiser in the Mummy vibe going on.”

“You know what? Fair.”

“I’ve also heard the hook-up rumors. Those are… less fun. Those were why I wanted to talk to you originally. I assumed you wouldn’t want me to approach you but having rumors like that going around is deeply unpleasant.”

“Yeah, not a fan of people speculating our sex life. Especially given how new you are. We should just tell everyone the truth now, right?”

“We _could,”_ Jon replies with a mischievous twinkle in their eyes, “but what if we keep up the charade? Make everyone think there’s something up between us and neither of us will say what it is.”

“I don’t want you to get in trouble, Jon,” Martin warns.

“We won’t do anything risky. Just keep acting strangely around one another, maybe vaguely mention things randomly, and “mess” with each other occasionally. Nothing that would make anyone extremely uncomfortable.”

“What happened to you in the past 12 years that made you so chaotic?”

“I’ll tell you later. So, are you in or out?”

“Oh, I’m in.”

They staggered their times returning to the Institute to avoid suspicion, but David noticed Martin had gone out for food instead of just going to the canteen or eating in the breakroom like he usually did.

“Where’d you go?”

“Just the Chinese shop across the way,” Martin replies. Shit, he probably shouldn’t have said that in case Jon also says that and people put two and two together. It’ll probably be fine though, right? He still texts them when he gets home.

**Martin:** I may have already messed up

 **Jon:** What happened?

 **Martin:** I told my coworkers where I went to lunch

 **Jon:** Oh, that’s fine. I didn’t tell mine and I doubt they’d put two and two together, anyway.

 **Martin:** Don’t you work in research?

 **Jon:** They’re not going to research our lunch receipts, Martin. I would hope they have better things to do.

 **Martin:** One of them thinks we killed a man together

 **Jon:** Point taken.

 **Jon:** So I was thinking about how we can up the ante. How do you feel about some light office “pranks?”

 **Martin:** I know you well enough that I couldn’t possibly come in early enough to sticky note your entire desk

 **Jon:** I can’t believe after 12 years my sleeping patterns are still predictable.

 **Jon:** You could persuade me to come slightly later if you planned something like that.

 **Martin:** Wednesday morning then. I need time to pick up the sticky notes

 **Jon:** I could even come help you.

 **Jon:** Since the pranks are for everyone else.

 **Martin:** So how are you going to prank me back?

 **Jon:** I don’t know yet. A lot of the pranks online include things that shouldn’t be brought into a library.

 **Jon:** And many of them seem too mean spirited

 **Martin:** Do you want to come over on the weekend so we can work out your “revenge?”

 **Jon:** Sure, I’ll smuggle some jammy dodgers

 **Martin:** Do you still take your tea with 50% honey?

 **Jon:** Yes, but tell no one.

 **Martin:** Your secret’s safe with me ;)

The Wednesday of the first prank Martin hears about it officially from the head of Artefact Storage. Sasha comes into the breakroom around lunch to sit with Martin, David, and one of the Archival staff, Michael.

“Did you guys hear what happened in research?” She whispers conspiratorially.

“What happened?” Michael asks.

“Someone sticky noted Jon, the new person’s, entire desk,” she replies.

“They must have gotten up pretty early. Jon is always here before anyone else,” David remarks.

“Maybe whoever did it just stayed late,” Martin yawns. He and Jon had gotten there early with the sticky notes and covered their entire desk and chair. Jon had promised to text him the details in the evening. Fake yawning to drop hints it may have been him was something he had to tell them about.

“Did _you_ stay up late last night?” David asks.

“Yeah, hard-partying on a Tuesday night,” Martin deadpans. “That’s why I left early yesterday.”

Sasha, Michael, and David share a look, but the conversation moves on. Jon eventually comes into the break room and pointedly ignores Martin. He feels sneaky and a little ridiculous, but he is happy to have his best friend back in his life.


	4. Prank # 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin learns more about Jon's path to chaos and a prank war may be brewing between the Library and Research.

That Saturday Jon came to Martin’s flat with the promised biscuits and they set about telling Martin about their uni days.

“You were in a band? Seriously?” Martin asks incredulously.

“We did choir together, Martin. You can’t be that surprised,” Jon replies.

“We didn’t dress like _that_ for choir. As I recall hair that color was forbidden for performances.”

“I can’t imagine our old Catholic teacher would have been much of a fan of the eyeliner, either.”

“Oh god,” Martin laughs. “She would have lost it at your hair going over your ears never mind those piercings.”

“My gran wasn’t a fan, either,” they admit. “But I got decent grades and was out of her house so there wasn’t much pearl-clutching. Mostly passive-aggressive looks and the occasional hair cut coupon pushed my way. Anyway, the gigs weren’t bad and we had a decent local following but we all went our separate ways for various reasons.”

“That’s too bad.”

“This will probably sound extremely silly but I...used to imagine you coming to our shows. Maybe coming backstage to meet my other friends.”

“Oh,” Martin says softly. Jon apparently also thought about him sometimes.

“They do know you as the only man who got me to read two books by the same author for leisure purposes, so if you do ever meet them be prepared to talk about Redwall.”

“That is certainly an interesting reputation to have. I suppose these are the people who turned teacher’s pet Jonathan Sims into the type of person who gets up early just to sticky note their own desk to confuse his coworkers.”

“They certainly didn’t _help._ ” Jon laughs. “Now, how do you feel about a fish in your desk.”

“I’m sorry?”

“This website suggests it’s a good prank to put a fish tank containing a live goldfish in a tank in one of the drawers of a coworker’s desk.”

“How is that a prank? That’s just weird.”

“It would also require bringing potentially several gallons of water into the library.”

“Yes, the open liquid is the concern here and we share the library desk so all the pranks involving sticking stuff to a desk is going to happen on your end.”

“That strikes out most of the ones I’ve found,” they say. “What about this one? Body spray “bomb” under the chair.”

“That’s a good one, but Hannah’s baby has given her super smell. She made me and David stop waring cologne because it made her sick.”

“We’ll save that one for her maternity leave, then.”

“How about this one? Label rubber ducks with numbers 1-18 skip 19 and label one 20. Hide them around the library but put 20 on our desk. David, Hannah, and I can go crazy trying to search for number 19.”

“Oh, I like that one.”

It’s decided that Jon will bring the ducks in late Monday evening so Martin can help them hide the 18. They hug when Jon leaves and they still fit together perfectly. They’re closer in height now but Martin still feels like Jon slots into his arms like a puzzle piece.

The actual day of the prank David is the first one in the office. He asks Martin if he knows anything about it and Martin just shrugs. Eventually Martin “finds” a duck labeled 7 and the three library employees wind up finding two more ducks over the course of the day. A visitor to the library also finds a duck and laughs it off.

At lunch on Wednesday David eyes the table where Jon is sitting with a few other people from research and says, “so we know they did it, right?”

“What makes you say that?” Martin asks.

“Come on Martin,” Hannah says. “We know you sticky-noted Sims’ desk to start this prank war. What is it with you two?”

“Nothing and I didn’t sticky note their desk,” Martin replies.

“If he’s being shitty to you, you can call HR,” David says gently.

“Leave off, David,” Martin warns. More to report to Jon: the potential for an all-out prank war between the Library and Research. Which could be fun, but would make it difficult for them to prank themselves.

**Martin:** I’ve been accused of starting a prank war

**Jon:** You did fire the first shot as it were.

**Martin:** I suppose I did >:)

**Jon:** Tim and Silvia (one of my other coworkers in research) think I did the ducks.

**Jon:** Tim was disappointed I didn’t include him.

**Martin:** Too bad we can’t include our coworkers on the sub pranks without involving them in the main prank

**Jon:** How long do you think it will take before they figure it out?

**Martin:** After Hannah has her baby

**Jon:** I don’t know what time frame that would be in.

**Martin:** I think she’s due mid October?

**Jon:** I would hope it takes them longer than two months.

**Martin:** What about you? When do you think?

**Jon:** New Years

**Martin:** Four months?

**Jon:** Unless Elias stops it sooner.

**Martin:** Jon, Elias is an ineffectual stoner who only got the job because he married? into the family of one of the biggest donors to the Institute. He’s not going to do anything unless you come in swinging a lead pipe

**Jon:** I’ll take “lead pipe prank” off the list, then.

**Jon:** Why does married have a question mark next to it?

**Martin:** Because Elias got the promotion before gay marriage was legal in the UK and he and his husband have divorced and remarried at least once since I started working here.

**Jon:** I don’t know what answer I expected but that certainly wasn’t it.

**Martin:** Just avoid talking about or to Peter Lukas at all Institute functions

**Jon:** The warning is greatly appreciated.

**Jon:** I have some friends who can help us plan your “revenge” if you’re up for it.

**Jon:** We can all meet for drinks on Saturday. One of them is a friend from uni so they both know about you from what I told them before I knew you were trans.

**Jon:** You don’t have to tell either of them the actual age of our relationship if you don’t want. They’re both cool though. 

**Martin:** You told all your uni friends about me?

**Jon:** If I had known I would have called you Martin. I’m sorry

**Martin:** That’s not why I asked. I’m just surprised is all

**Jon:** That I talked about my best friend to people sometimes?

**Martin:** When you say it like that it makes it sound like we didn’t date and then have a messy breakup

**Jon:** My original point still stands.

**Jon:** Do you want to meet my other friends? Well, Georgie is technically my ex, but we’re 100% platonic now.

**Martin:** Yeah and you can tell them I’m to one who forced you under pain of tickles to read more than one Redwall book

**Jon:** I didn’t tell them about the tickling.

**Jon:** Georgie discovered that on her own.

**Jon:** You’ll like her. Melanie, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was Jon's band the Mechs? Maybe  
> What color did Jon dye their hair? All of them  
> How did he stop it from getting nasty while they grew it out? Hair Masks  
> Does Martin know where half the ducks are hidden? Yes  
> Will he tell his coworkers? No


	5. Prank #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the Girlfriends appear, cuddles are had, and someone finds out the truth.

What Jon utterly failed to mention was that his friends were Melanie King, host of _Ghost Hunt UK_ a Youtube show Martin very much enjoyed, and Georgie Barker, host of the podcast _What the Ghost?_ which Martin only discovered after Georgie guested a few times on GHU. Needless to say, the fun time of meeting Jon’s friends had turned into Martin being a little star-struck.

“Jon said you were a man with taste,” Georgie jokes.

“It’s a shame _they_ don’t have taste,” Melanie says, making a face at Jon.

“I refuse to consume media where the word “spooktacular” is used regularly,” Jon replies.

“It’s our brand at this point. Like your Institute and that Latin nonsense,” Georgie said.

“Jonah Magnus was a pretentious bastard, he needed the Latin so people would take his ghost story house seriously,” Martin quips.

“Speaking of silly ghost stories,” Melanie says taking out her phone. “You have to check these assholes out.”

“Good Lord!” Jon exclaims after watching a video of amateur “ghost hunters” on Melanie’s phone. “Did he just run by the camera really quickly in a bedsheet?”

“Oh, they’re definitely faking evidence but I’m pretty sure they’re just using After Effects for the motion blur,” Melanie replies.

“Lazy bastards can’t even run around in bedsheets pretending to be ghosts,” they say shaking their head. 

Jon and Melanie start picking apart all of the “evidence” of the ghostly encounter had by the people in the video. Together Martin and Georgie watch while Jon and Melanie bemoan how fake supernatural investigators make a mockery of the field. It’s glorious to see the way Jon’s eyes sparkle the way they always do when they get excited about a subject. Melanie’s eyes shine the same and Martin wonders if Melanie plays her reactions up a bit for the camera on her show. Eventually they run low on drinks and he goes with Georgie to pick up some more along with some mozzarella sticks that Georgie claims are to die for.

“There are two of them,” she says sympathetically.

“You’re right,” Martin replies in mock-horror. Georgie laughs.

“Now, if you’re done harassing my girlfriend, _Jonathan.”_ Georgie teases as she and Martin settle back down. “I believe Martin needs to take his revenge on you.”

“I had an idea about that, actually,” Melanie begins. “You know how people _already_ think they’re a secret history between you two? Why don’t you play into that?”

“I’m not sure where this is going but go on,” Jon replies.

“We need to incorporate something mysterious into Martin’s next prank that plays into that,” she explains.

“That sounds really good,” Martin says.

“Do you have any ideas, babe?” Georgie asks.

“It can’t be something from their _actual_ past. Unless Jon wants to cover their desk with _Redwall_ art,” Melanie answer.

“We already did a “stick stuff to my desk” prank,” Jon says thoughtfully. “Although _Redwall_ is general enough that it won’t seem too specific. Maybe next time?”

“I could just put a stuffed animal on your desk with a date sticky noted to it,” Martin mentions.

“Simple but confusing,” Georgie nods approvingly. “I like your style, Martin.”

As the evening progresses (and as everyone gets pleasantly buzzed) Martin notices Jon slowly scooting closer to him. It’s slow at first but they bump his arm more and more while gesticulating. Eventually, Martin has no choice but to wrap his arm around Jon to keep from knocking elbows. Jon just signs contently and leans into him.

“Looks like the cat got Martin,” Melanie says pointing to Jon.

“I missed Martin,” Jon defends. “I’m perfectly allowed to want to cuddle him.”

“Jon…” Martin says softly. Jon looks up at him misty-eyed and he forgets what he’s going to say.

“I can stop if you want,” they say.

“No,” Martin replies trying to keep his voice from breaking. “I missed you, too.”

Jon makes a pleased hum and the conversation moves on. They all head their separate ways around midnight and Martin finds out that Jon takes the same line as him for at least part of the way.

“Hey, do you want to have a sleepover?” Martin asks, wincing at how silly it sounds coming from the mouth of a grown man.

“I vividly remember drooling all over you the only time we had a sleepover,” Jon replies.

“I had forgotten about that,” Martin snorts.

“I snuck in through your window like a cool significant other and then I soaked your pajamas like a baby,” they say laughing.

“Seriously though. Do you want to?” Martin asks nervously.

“It should be fun,” Jon answers.

The problem with making spur of the moment decisions on sleeping arrangements is that someone is left without a change of clothes. Thankfully that person is Jon and he can just borrow one of Martin’s old shirts. Martin pretends the fluttering in his heart is from embarrassing his way into sharing a bed with Jon and not from the way they look in his shirt. Jon certainly doesn't look at his chest when his binder is off, but it's not like he did with it on. Maybe he was too used to people with a less intimate awareness of his boundaries. He couldn't remember the last time he'd shared a bed with someone for any reason.

“Do you want to be the little spoon or the big spoon?” Jon asks. “Unless we aren’t cuddling. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“Oh...I...we can cuddle if you want,” Martin replies. “I didn’t think _you_ would want to cuddle. Since our relationship...isn’t like that anymore.”

“Cuddling your friends is usually wonderful,” they reply. “Unless that friend is Melanie because Georgie told her where I’m ticklish. Now that I think of it, I should be the big spoon.”

“I get the feeling you don’t trust me,” Martin says.

“Little spoon also means you won’t get a mouth full of my hair.”

“Little spoon it is.”

They lay down together and Jon rests one his arms around Martin’s belly with the other pressed against his back. It’s the first time in a long time Martin feels comforted by another person.

“I move away and you learned chaos and cuddling, huh?” Martin says softly.

“I always thought I was good at cuddling you,” they reply. “You don’t like your chest touched or to feel restrained and it worries you to be laying or partially laying on top of someone. Has anything changed?”

Martin feels very grateful to be faced away from Jon because he feels tears coming on.

“That’s it,” Martin whispers. “You...uh...still like being smothered in blankets and having your hair played with?”

“Yes,” Jon sighs back as they nuzzle into Martin’s back slightly. “I’m also a big fan of _not_ drooling on the people I cuddle with. Far less embarrassing.”

By the Thursday Martin had chosen to “mysteriously” leave a stuffed spaniel on Jon’s desk with a random date written on it the Library had found 11 ducks and had arranged them across the information desk. The most recent duck had been found by Hannah.

“If you don’t tell me what’s up with you and Jon, I won’t let you hold the baby,” she threatens.

“The baby’s still in your womb,” Martin replies. “Not a very good bargaining chip.”

“I’m giving you a deadline, Martin,” Hannah says as Martin rolls the cart away to replace books.

No one mentions the dog until lunch where Tim walks up to Martin in the cafeteria and asks:

“So what’s happening March 24th?”

“What?” Martin replies. He had chosen a completely random date and had honestly forgotten what he had written.

“Come off it. I know you wrote “March 24th” on the dog you put on Jon’s desk,” Tim says.

“I...don’t know what you’re talking about,” Martin replies.

“Just because they won’t go to HR about all of this doesn’t mean I’m not documenting it,” Tim warns. That’s definitely something he was going to have to tell Jon that evening. Except Jon texts him first.

 **Jon:** I told Tim

 **Jon:** He thought you were threatening me or something with the dog. I couldn’t stand for him saying mean things about you.

 **Jon:** So I told him. I swore him to secrecy, though.

 **Martin:** That’s ok. He threatened me with HR this afternoon. Probably for the best that he knows now

 **Jon:** He told me.

 **Jon:** On the bright side now we can recruit him to help us.

 **Martin:** >:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can pry the headcanon that Jon and Melanie would friends if they met under any other circumstance but the ones in canon from my cold, dead hands.
> 
> Tim is a golden retriever shaped like a man and when he perceives a threat to his friends he goes after it and Jon "jump out of my hiding place to defend a woman he doesn't even remember to eldritch monster" Sims wasn't going to let that happen.


	6. The Prank War Spreads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim enters the fray, childhood stories are shared, and David makes poor fashion choices.

They all decide to meet at Jon’s place to plan his “revenge.” When Tim gets there he immediately apologizes to Martin.

“I’m sorry, Martin,” he says sheepishly. “I just wanted to look after the new person, you know?”

“I get it,” Martin replies. “I will warn you though: Jon could absolutely shout me down if I actually did something to upset them.”

“I can see it,” Tim laughs.

“You both see the problem with getting along suddenly, right?” Jon interrupts.

“Oh yeah and I can’t just go business as usual like you and Martin did,” Tim says. “I was getting kind of aggressive there.”

“Right,” Jon nods. “ Even if people believed you were in on it _now_ it would narrow people’s guesses as to what mine and Martin’s relationship is.”

“That might not be so bad, actually,” Martin says. “If people have a reason to believe the pranks are harmless then they won’t assume we’re threatening each other again.”

Tim clicks his mouth and finger guns at Martin.

“I could run interference,” he offers. “Since you two seem insistent that you aren’t involved in a prank war, what if I involved another department in it?”

“You want to _start_ an all-out prank war?” Jon asks.

“You two started it. I’m just carrying on with it,” Tim replies.

“Which department, though?” Martin asks. “Can’t really do the Archives or Mrs. Robinson will come after you...IT and HR are also right out…”

“I figure I’ll get Artifact Storage,” Tim says. “Sasha’s a pal so I’m not too worried about her going on a Robinson murder spree.”

“Or a Stoker HR spree?” Jon offers.

“Yeah, because she’ll _know_ my intentions aren’t malevolent,” Tim says.

“She’ll want in on the big secret, though,” Martin points out. “Won’t she?”

_”Eventually,_ yeah, but so’ll everyone else,” Tim says.

“If you can avoid explaining the entire plan to her for at least a few weeks,” Jon warns. “I don’t see why not.”

“You will have to be careful with the stuff in Artefact Storage, that stuff is old,” Martin says.

“Oh yeah, I was thinking of doing the old stapler in jello to start off,” Tim says.

“Is that common practice?” Jon asks.

“It happens on the Office,” Martin explains.

“I’ve never seen it,” Jon says.

“Never seen the Office?” Tim asks in mock scandal. Jon just shrugs. “So what did you two do for fun as kids? Read encyclopedias?”

“Mostly, yes,” Jon replies sarcastically.

“We explored around our neighborhood,” Martin answers.

“Any fun stories of baby Jon and Martin getting lost in the woods?” Tim presses.

“I wouldn’t call it _fun_ per se but there was one memorable time Martin rescued me from a spider,” they say and Tim looks curious. “I’ll start off by saying that I’m arachnophobic and have been since I was about 8. I don’t think Martin knew this at the time and he was usually the type to defend bugs, so I didn’t want to tell him. I’m not even sure how I saw the spider where it was but it was there, just sitting in the middle of the path. I froze when I saw it, of course, Martin saw that I was upset and asked. When I pointed to the spider I sort of expected him to get annoyed at me or mad or maybe try to pick it up to dangle it in my face. He just picked it up with a stick, flung it out of the path, and checked on me.”

“You left out the part where I did indeed try to defend spiders to you,” Martin reminds them.

“After the spider was gone,” Jon says.

“Awww, baby Marto was a knight in shining armor,” Tim half teases.

“Martin Blackwood: defender of spiders and people afraid of spiders alike,” Jon jokes.

“There was that time after we started dating when I did get lost in the woods. Do you remember, Jon?” Martin says, “I was upset about something, I don’t even remember what, and I sort of just… ran off into the woods to have a cry. I got lost and Jon went to find me.”

“I still have the poem you wrote for me about it,” Jon says nodding.

“I can’t believe you kept the cheesy love poetry I wrote you when I was _twelve”_ Martin says, burying his reddening face in his hands.

“Don’t worry, Martin, I won’t ask to see it,” Tim says winking. “We still have the matter of Jon’s revenge.”

“I still like the cryptic angle,” Jon says. “It needs to be something confusing that is also clearly directed at Martin.”

“You could hide something that makes a noise somewhere in the library,” Martin says. “Have it say something that is vaguely meant for me?”

“Like a dog barking?” Tim asks.

“Is spaniel going to be our recurring theme?” Jon asks.

“I suppose,” Martin pauses. “People aren’t going to think you killed my dog or something, are they?”

“A cat, then,” Tim says. “I’m sorry Jon, you have major cat vibes.”

“You have no idea,” Martin laughs.

Tim and Martin hang around for a while after that but eventually they leave and Jon once again hugs Martin like it’s what they’re meant to do. Tim gets a quick side hug and he and Martin walk to the bus stop together. Tim apologizes to Martin again, they exchange numbers and part ways.

Martin ends up being the one with the remote for the noise machine so he can turn it on once all of his coworkers are there that Tuesday.

“Do you guys hear a cat?” David asks.

“Nope,” Martin says after he turns the thing on.

“Do you think Jon would have let a cat into the library to prank you?” Hannah asks.

“It’s more likely that _whoever_ is pranking us gave David those trousers,” Martin teases.

“I’m senior librarian when Imogen isn’t here,” David defends, “and I say we should all wear more fun trousers.”

“Fun,” Hannah says with the biggest air quotes possible. Martin laughs at the face David makes with her.

Eventually the speaker is found (along with 2 more ducks) and they shut it off. David mentions something about being grateful not having to clean up after a cat and no one brings the prank up again until lunch when Morgan from Artifact Storage tells them about Tim’s prank.

“Did you forget which department Jon works in?” he asks Martin.

“Maybe I’m not the one pulling the pranks,” Martin points out. No one believes him.

**Jon:** Hannah (I assume) tried to give me the speaker.

 **Jon:** So now it’s in lost and found.

 **Martin:** Do you think Tim could get it back without anyone getting suspicious?

 **Jon:** No more suspicious than they already are, I think. Silvia noticed Tim wasn’t still up in arms about the mysterious date on that dog and Sasha at least knows that Tim knows what’s going on.

 **Jon:** Melanie wants to do a movie night at hers and Georgie’s on Friday night to discuss our future plans if that’s ok?

 **Martin:** Sure, who will be there? I need to know so I can control my fandom, unlike last time.

 **Jon:** Melanie, Georgie, Tim, and The Admiral.

 **Jon:** And Andy, he’s Melanie’s friends and cohost on GHU.

 **Martin:** The Admiral?

 **Jon:** Georgie’s cat. He’s a distinguished little gentleman.

 **Martin:** I can’t wait to meet him, but don’t think I didn’t catch that acronym

 **Jon:** You can’t tell her I watch the show

 **Jon:** She would loose all respect for me

 **Martin:** I make no promises ;P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Admiral will have the best ideas. Don't worry.


	7. The Prank War Continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Admiral has opinions, Jon learns about Martin's CV, and Hannah has joined the fray!

Andy is a nice enough guy. Martin isn’t sure if his on-camera persona and off-camera persona are just really similar, or if he’s just “on” with new people. Tim is also a fan of What the Ghost (apparently because of Sasha) and Ghost Hunt UK and he was immediately comfortable with everyone else. The Admiral had stretched himself across Jon’s lap while they pet him.

“Tim, you’re going to have to wait for Sasha to retaliate on us,” they say. “This means that next week with be double pranks on Research.”

“Hmmm, hadn’t considered that one,” Tim says. “I’m sure it’s fine, though.”

“If Sasha wants to team up with me to double prank you, I won’t say no,” Martin warns. The Admiral gets up from Jon’s lap, hops onto the coffee table, and meows at him.

“I don’t think he likes that idea,” Melanie laughs.

“I actually have an idea you _and The Admiral_ might like,” Georgie begins. “You know how some haunted houses put motors under tables to make it look like a ghost is shaking them?”

“I don’t but go on,” Tim says as The Admiral climbs onto the back of the sofa behind him.

“Basically it’s a little motor that oscillates when activated and it makes a table shake,” Melanie explains. “They usually need to be activated at short range, so Jon or Tim will have to be in control of it.”

“That’s really good,” Jon says. “Our desks are up against one another in Research, so now it will effect all of us.” 

“Jon, you’re a chaotic bastard and I love it,” Tim laughs.

Melanie puts on a movie called _Attack of the Killer Shrews._ It’s an old black and white flick that definitely didn’t pay the poor people dressed in shitty rat costumes with double canines nearly enough. At some point, Jon sits on the floor in front of Martin on the couch and rests their head against his knees. Martin absentmindedly plays with Jon’s hair until they shudder.

“Sorry,” he whispers while trying to pull his hand back. Jon catches his wrist and puts it back on his head.

“It’s ok,” they whisper back. “I really don’t mind.”

“I can get you a chair if you want, Jon,” Georgie says while she strokes The Admiral from where he sits on an arm of the couch.

“I’m perfectly happy here, thank you,” they reply. Georgie raises an eyebrow at Jon and looks to Martin, but doesn’t say anything else.

The movie draws to a close on what is probably meant to be a meaningful message about man’s responsibility to nature and the audience booing at the shoe-horned hetero subplot. Once it ends and Jon stands up The Admiral zooms into Martin’s lap to demand scritches.

“You made The Admiral jealous,” Jon says solemnly. “Now you’re trapped until he decides to release you.”

“Oh no, whatever shall I do,” Martin replies dryly while giving The Admiral a good scratching behind his ears. Andy leaves while Martin is trapped and The Admiral wanders off once the door shuts. Tim, Jon, and Martin leave next and Jon gets a hug from both Georgie and Melanie; and Martin gets a hug from just Georgie who keeps giving him a knowing look. Tim splits ways with Jon and Martin when he changes lines.

“I like your friends, Jon,” Martin mentions while sitting next to them.

“I like them as well,” they reply. “So, when do I get to meet your Uni friends?”

Martin swallows hard. He couldn’t tell Jon he lied on his CV, could he? But they knew about Martin’s situation with his mother better than anyone.

“Is everything alright?” Jon asks, putting a hand gently on Martin’s knee.

“I’d...rather not talk about it in public,” he replies nervously. Jon looks even more worried.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not that. Just...not on the train, ok?”

“Alright. Do you want to go back to my flat? We can have another sleepover and talk about it if you like?”

“I'd like that.”

They ride the rest of the way in relative silence, aside from Jon directing Martin when to change lines. When they get to Jon’s flat he makes Martin tea and sits with him on the couch, their face a deep mask of worry.

“So...what happened at uni for you?” They ask gently in a way that reminds Martin of when Jon was his sole confidant in childhood.

“I didn’t go to university, Jon,” Martin says to the floor. “Mum got too sick to work, so I had to drop out when I was 17 to work enough jobs to make enough money to support us _and_ take care of her.”

“Oh Martin,” Jon says softly as he pulls Martin into a hug.

“I lied on my CV to get a job at the Magnus Institute,” he confesses into Jon’s shoulder. Jon tenses and pulls away.

“We have to stop the prank war,” they say firmly. “If you get in trouble someone might look into your CV and then-”

“Jon,” Martin interrupts. “Relax, I knew what I was getting into when I agreed.”

“I’m not in favor of putting your _employment_ at risk,” Jon warns. “If Tim had actually gone to HR…”

“Trust me, ok?” He says sitting up slightly to the sound of popping and Jon nods. “Now, my ribs are going to be furious with me if I don’t take this binder off so if you’ll point me to the bathroom?”

When Martin comes out of the bathroom in just his shirt and boxers Jon has already changed into his sleep clothes. They’re sitting on the couch and braiding their hair much more roughly than he’d ever felt Jon do with him.

“Jon, can I braid it for you?” He asks and somehow the question makes him feel extremely vulnerable. Jon looks at him, blinks slowly, and offers up the hair tie. Martin sits behind him and brushes Jon’s hair up from the bottom as gently as possible.

“Do you remember when I offered to cut your hair with kitchen scissors?” Jon asks.

“Yeah,” Martin huffs a laugh. “That’s...uh...actually how I did it the first time.”

“What?”

“I just… braided it like you showed me and cut it all off. It was the first time I felt like my own person.”

“Oh,” Jon says softly and he clears their throat. “The hair you have now suits you.”

“What about you? When did you start growing it out?”

“I stopped getting it cut my last year of secondary school, you can imagine how Gran reacted, but I didn’t start _maintaining it_ until I met Georgie my third semester at Oxford.”

“It’s _beautiful,”_ Martin says and he watches Jon’s back straighten as they preen at the compliment. Martin is immensely out of practice so it takes longer than he would like to get Jon’s hair into a nice French braid and once it’s done they curl up into Jon’s bed together. Martin doesn’t think about how his heart flutters when Jon pulls him into their chest.

That Tuesday Martin comes in to find the Library has numerous pictures of Elias Bouchard with the caption “I see you” all over the place. He decides to text Jon and Tim to see if they got similar results.

 **Martin:** [Image of a photo of Elias Bouchard, likely taken from the Institute’s website, underneath has the phrase “I SEE YOU” typed in impact font]

 **Martin:** Did you guys get these all over your office, too?

 **Tim:** yeah

 **Tim:** sash got evry1 in AS to stay late last night

 **Tim:** prank war is gettin wild

 **Jon:** Tim gets involved and immediately it gets out of hand. I can’t say I’m surprised but still.

 **Tim:** :-(

 **Tim:** i learned by watching u and martin

 **Martin:** We’re going to have to face it, Jon. We are terrible influences

Jon also texts Martin directly.

 **Jon:** We can find a way to stop this.

 **Jon:** Before it gets so out of hand that you get in trouble.

 **Martin:** I told you the other night Jon. I knew the risks. Just trust me

 **Jon:** I have a limit for chaos, Martin.

 **Jon:** It coincides with putting people I care about at risk.

 **Martin:** We can stop it if you want, but that’s up to you

 **Jon:** As long as you’re ok.

 **Martin:** I am

Martin gets in early Wednesday with Jon and Tim to set up and test the table shaker. They end up putting it under Tim’s desk for maximum annoyance potential since he sits in the middle.

“So I was thinking,” Martin says. “Since Tim is in on it now, it’s only fair that I get one of my coworkers in on it.”

“Tell Hannah,” Tim suggests. “David’s a buzzkill.”

“What about his fun trousers?” Martin asks.

“Please,” Tim snorts. “I have nightmares about those trousers.”

When Hannah gets into work Martin takes her aside and gives her a quick rundown of (almost) everything.

“I’m not going to lie,” she says. “Reconnecting with your childhood best friend by pranking your coworkers into thinking you don’t like each other is both cute and silly. I figured you guys were friends after it seemed like Stoker got in on it.”

“We still can’t tell David or anyone else,” Martin warns.

“I suppose that means you aren’t going to get rid of the remaining ducks?”

“Oh no, the ducks are here to stay until someone finds the other six of them.”

“As long as we and the Archives get to double prank Artifact Storage.”

“Deal.”

Martin texts Jon, Tim, and Hannah when he gets home:

 **Martin:** Hannah is in this group so I'm going to ask everyone where we're meeting to talk strategy vs Artifact Storage (and each other)

 **Hannah:** I already have Tim in my contacts from Decorations Squad last Halloween. How do you spell your last name, Jon?

 **Jon:** Sims.

 **Hannah:** thnx

 **Tim:** would monday after work be ok?

 **Tim:** im going kayaking with my brother this weekend

 **Hannah:** We could meet for dinner?

 **Jon:** Fine by me.

 **Martin:** Have fun kayaking :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only 5 ducks left to find, Martin didn't tell Hannah about the 19th duck.


	8. The Prank War Isn't the Only Thing Spreading

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon gets sick and Martin takes care of them, Martin gets sick and Jon takes care of him, and Hannah causes the Milk Incident(TM).

Martin gets a text from Jon on Sunday morning.

 **Jon:** I may miss tomorrow’s prank meeting.

 **Jon:** I’m not feeling well.

 **Martin:** Do you want me to come over with anything?

 **Jon:** I wouldn’t ask that of you.

 **Martin:** Ok, but I offered

 **Jon:** Chicken soup would be good.

 **Jon:** Just tell me when you’re going to come over.

 **Jon:** I might be napping.

On impulse, Martin buys the ingredients to home-make chicken soup for Jon. He almost never cooks for himself, but this way he has an excuse to spend more time with Jon and make sure they actually take care of themself. He still brings a couple of cans with him in case.

Jon looks surprised at the bags Martin is carrying, they also look _awful_ with a sweat-slick brow and a hoarse voice.

“You don’t have to do that,” Jon rasps.

“I want to,” Martin replies. “Why don’t you lay down on the couch while I make this soup?”

Jon opens his mouth to protest and Martin gently puts his hands on their shoulders and steers them back to the blanket cocoon he apparently made on the couch. He checks on Jon a few times while various ingredients cook and Jon looks at him with such open gratitude every time Martin is happy to do it.

“Come on,” he says when the soup is finally finished. “Sit up or you’ll pour this all over yourself.”

“Thank you, Martin,” Jon says hoarsely. Martin presses the back of his hand to Jon’s forehead and feels them burning up.

“Do you mind me sticking around for a bit?” He asks. “I want to make sure that fever doesn’t get worse.”

Jon coughs and takes out his phone. They type something up and show Martin the screen.

_I don’t want you to get sick and I tend to be a bad patient._

“If you really want me to go, I’ll go.”

_You can stay. I’m just worried is all._

“Worried about my wellbeing? You’re right, terrible patient.”

Jon snorts and grabs his soup from the coffee table.

“I’m returning the favor, anyway,” Martin continues while Jon eats. “I distinctly remember a month after we first met I got sick for an entire week because I was taking care of mum. You volunteered to take the homework to me and while you were there you took my temperature and brought me water. You even smuggled me soup.”

Jon puts down his soup and picks up their phone.

_You’ll recall I also got sick then._

“It was going around,” Martin defends. Jon rolls their eyes and goes back to his soup. Martin cleans up after himself in the kitchen while Jon watches a documentary and eats their soup. He comes back with a glass of ice water for Jon and sits next to him on the couch. Jon eventually falls asleep and slumps against Martin’s shoulder. Martin wonders briefly how much Jon weighs and considers just carrying them to bed but thinks better of it. He also considers pressing a kiss to Jon’s temple, but that would be inappropriate. Instead, he gets up and carefully helps the unconscious Jon to a horizontal position before tucking them in and heading out to leave. He shoots them a quick text as well to let them know he left in case they wake up confused.

Martin gets a text from Jon on Monday morning.

 **Jon:** The soup and company made me feel better, thank you.

 **Jon:** I may come to work around lunch. Depending on how I feel.

 **Martin:** If you aren’t feeling well you should just stay home. I’ll keep you updated on the prank plans

 **Jon:** I won’t come in if I’m feeling too unwell.

 **Jon:** I did warn you that I’m a terrible patient.

 **Martin:** Would the threat of tickling still work?

 **Jon:** If you’re going to threaten me like that I suppose I’ll have to stay home for my own safety.

 **Martin:** Good

The lack of Jon means Tim can come to the Library and they can all walk together to the restaurant. They wind up at a Thai food place not far from the Institute and sit in a booth in the back.

“Ok, so I was thinking about Artifact Storage,” Hannah begins. “A lot the stuff down there is old or valuable so we can’t really mess with it, _but_ they share the breakroom with us. What I’m thinking we do is a prank my sister and I pulled on our dad years ago. Basically you take an empty milk carton and paint most of the outside white so at a glance it looks about half full. When someone tries to pick the milk up, they end up throwing it across the room. We just have to warn the rest of Research, David, and the Archival staff.”

“If you have an empty carton, I can get the paint,” Tim replies.

“Do either of you have anyone in the Archives’ number?” Martin asks.

“I have Sarah’s and a carton that will be empty by Wednesday,” Hannah replies.

“Perfect,” Tim says. “Now, for the Library.”

“Well, at this point we’re only really pranking David since Imogen won’t be back until next week,” Martin says. “If we continue with the cat theme we can just put a stuffed cat on the desk. I feel like we’ve done a lot of hiding stuff in the Library but there’s only so much we can do that won’t cause a problem for visitors.”

“It’s been working out fine so far,” Hannah points out.

“Just make sure whatever ominous not you put on it isn’t vaguely threatening,” Tim reminds him. “We’ll probably have to wait until Jon gets back to pull that one.”

“So tentatively Wednesday for both?” Martin asks and they nod. “I’ll text Jon and let them know.”

 **Martin:** The plan is a go for Wednesday IF YOU FEEL WELL

 **Martin:** We’re going to make an empty milk container look not empty in the break room and you get to be cryptic with a stuffed cat

 **Jon:** I don’t feel completely back to normal but I should be fine to work the rest of the week

 **Jon:** Thank you again for worrying about me.

 **Jon:** I can talk now so you don’t need to tickle me.

Martin wakes up Wednesday with his throat on fire. He had definitely caught whatever Jon had and there was no way he could responsibly come into work so he e-mails David to let him know he’s down for the count for at least Wednesday. Then he texts Jon.

 **Martin:** Remember how you said I would get sick if I spent Sunday with you?

 **Jon:** I take it you’re sick.

 **Jon:** As much as I hate to say I told you so.

 **Jon:** I told you so.

 **Martin:** You love to say I told you so :p

 **Jon:** I’ll come by after work with anything you need.

 **Jon:** I have Gran’s soup recipe.

 **Martin:** I’d be a hypocrite if I said no to soup. Wouldn’t I?

 **Jon:** At least as much of a hypocrite as I am for offering you soup after trying to ward you from making me soup.

 **Martin:** I suppose I must accept the soup, then. You should probably still do the pranks otherwise people might think you know I’m sick

 **Jon:** I already have the cat and I’ll tell Tim and Hannah to move forward with the milk.

 **Jon:** I’ll text you when I’m heading over with soup makings.

 **Martin:** Don’t stay out too late because of me

 **Jon:** I’ll see you later, Martin.

They show up at Martin’s apartment around 6:30 with all of the ingredients and forcefully get Martin back on his couch with water and tea.

“Ok,” Jon says. “I don’t have time to make the chicken stock from scratch but everything else will be the same.”

 _Oh no. Whatever shall we do?_ Martin types out on his phone sarcastically. Jon makes a face and goes back to the kitchen to work on the soup. They come in and out to check on Martin until the soup is done while he huddles under his blanket cocoon and rewatches The Great British Bake Off.

“I suppose you’d prefer I left once I clean up your kitchen,” Jon says as he hands Martin the soup.

_Unless you plan to sleep here_

“And go to work in wrinkled slacks?” Jon says in mock trepidation and shakes their head. Martin sits and enjoys the soup while Jon busies themselves in the kitchen. He sits next to Martin when they’re done.

“I suppose I should be going now,” they say. Jon slides over to give Martin a hug goodbye and it must be the fever because the look on their face when they pull away reminds him so specifically of the face Jon made right before he would cup Martin’s face like it was precious and kiss him. Jon doesn’t kiss him, obviously; they just say goodbye and tries to coax Martin into his bed instead of sleeping on the couch.

Martin takes the following day off as well and in David’s reply to his e-mail he mentions the cat having a made-up street address on it. Jon had made enough soup that he had leftovers in the fridge and Tim texts everyone while Martin is napping in the middle of the day.

 **Tim:** we have 2 tell sasha this week

 **Tim:** i just had lunch with her and im scared of what shes gonna do after the milk

 **Jon:** There’s no reason she would need to warn us about what she’s doing.

 **Tim:** ill feel less afraid tho

 **Hannah:** If we tell her maybe she can tell us some off limits stuff to avoid. No more milk in the breakroom

 **Jon:** We can as long as Martin agrees.

 **Tim:** marto?

 **Martin:** Yeah, you can tell her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Sasha next chapter


	9. The Prank War Gets Technical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasha has good ideas, Jon and Martin learn spycraft (sorta), and Tim is afraid

Sasha technically already knew about Jon and Martin’s relationship. She and Martin were in the same trans support group when he first moved to London and of course he talked about Jon. Jon, the person whose heart he broke and his best friend. It was entirely possible Sasha didn’t remember it since she changed meeting nights after she got promoted.

**Sasha:** from what tim told me it sounds like research jon is your jon

**Martin:** They are the same person.

**Sasha:** i thought so. i just wasn’t going to say anything until SOMEONE messed with the milk for my tea

**Martin:** That was 100% Hannah’s idea

**Sasha:** smh blaming the pregnant lady

**Martin:** I’m crediting an artist

**Sasha:** >:(

Martin is well enough Saturday afternoon to meet the other four pranksters for ice cream.

“Jon, mate, why did you pick old person ice cream?” Tim jokes.

“I happen to _like_ rum raisin, thank you,” they reply pointedly. Martin can’t help but smile fondly into his ice cream.

“So, Martin,” Sasha says. “Any ideas on what you’re doing to the Archives this week?”

“Well, Jon said before that he wanted their desk covered in _Redwall_ cover art,” Martin replies.

“If you guys are going to continue bizarre in-jokes, can I suggest something?” Sasha asks and Jon gives her a go-ahead. “Start leaving coded messages for each other. Instead of random dates or whatever just make a cipher, or a couple of ciphers, and write messages on sticky notes. It’s far more mysterious.”

“That’s a cool idea,” Hannah says and the other three agree.

“I’m still not telling you what I have planned for the Archives or the Library,” Sasha replies while looking directly at Tim.

“Sasha _please,”_ Tim jokingly begs. “Come on, Hannah. Help me explain to Sash why this is unfair.”

“You found out about the pranking first,” Hannah replies solemnly. “This is your punishment.”

“You have to be on my side, right?” Tim says looking from Martin to Jon. Martin shrugs.

“Honestly this is far more entertaining,” Jon says to Tim’s utter scandal before turning to Sasha and asking, “how do we make a cipher?”

“There are lots of ways,” Sasha replies. “Some are more maths-centric than others but an easy one is a keyword cipher. You pick a codeword like “torch” and place it in front of all the other letters in the alphabet. Like this.”

Sasha takes out a pen and writes on a napkin:  
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ  
TORCHABDEFGIJKLMNPQSUVWXYZ

“So each letter of the alphabet now corresponds with a new letter under the code,” she continues. “So with this cipher “Martin Blackwood would become…” Sasha quickly matches the corresponding letters and writes out Jtpsek Oitrgwllc.

“Some of the letters correspond with the same letters as they do in the regular alphabet,” Jon points out.

“A key phrase or a longer word would be more complicated,” Sasha replies.

“If we stick to a keyword it would be easy to switch it out weekly,” Martin says.

“Just don’t say anything too scandalous to each other in case someone _does_ decipher it,” Tim says, winking.

“So some combo of Redwall stickers and cryptic messages?” Hannah clarifies and everyone nods. 

They sit in the ice cream parlor for a while. At some point Jon goes on a tangent about emulsifiers until they notice Martin’s ice cream melting over his fingers and nonchelantly reaches out to hand him a napkin. Sasha looks at Martin with a knowing look suspiciously similar to the one Georgie gave him the other week.

When they all go their separate ways Jon and Martin wander off together in the direction of the tube station.

“Did you finish that documentary you were watching last week?” Martin asks.

“Several times, actually,” Jon replies. “I like to fall asleep to nature documentaries.”

“They aren’t that boring, are they?” Martin jokes.

“I tried to watch to historical documentaries but they get things _wrong_ and then I can’t sleep,” they tell Martin in frustration. Martin laughs which earns him a light smack on the shoulder.

“I can just imagine you drifting off to sleep before some historian says something revisionist and your eyes snap open to write a scathing review on IMDB,” Martin laughs.

“Yes, the moose violence is much more soothing,” Jon replies with mock-sincerity.

“You can turn them on to help you sleep next time you come over,” Martin offers.

“I don’t need it when I’m sleeping _with_ someone,” they say.

“Moose violence or cuddles, huh?”

“Something like that.”

They continue to chat until they split ways to go to their respective flats.

Martin sits down to write out his secret message when he gets a mischievous idea and texts Jon.

**Martin:** What if I didn’t tell you the keyword?

**Jon:** I suppose I would have to decrypt it.

**Jon:** Is that your plan?

**Martin:** Maybe

No one mentions the Redwalling of Jon’s desk to Martin because Sasha changed all the desktop backgrounds in the Archives and the Library to a generic hypnotism spiral and hid all of the desktop icons under several folders with increasingly bizarre names including “Calliope” and “It Is Not What It Is.” Fortunately, Imogen is surprisingly good with computers despite her age.

“So,” she says. “Who started the prank war?”

“Martin,” David says immediately. Martin shoots him a look but doesn’t say anything.

“Watch it, buster,” Imogen says, winking at Martin in a way he’s learned means she’s trying to be a cool boss.

Jon texts him the following day.

**Jon:** But if you really love your friends, they're never really gone. Somewhere they're watching over you and they're always there inside your heart. 

**Jon:** Charmander? Did you not think I wouldn’t immediately guess your favorite Pokemon?

**Martin:** I’m not surprised you cracked it in one day. I will be surprised if you come into work this morning looking awake

**Jon:** You made your choices knowing the type of person I am and I will not apologize

**Martin:** I maybe didn’t think this one through

**Jon:** If it makes you feel better I’ll try to go home at a reasonable hour.

**Martin:** I’d rather you take care of yourself for your own sake, but I appreciate it

**Jon:** I will try

**Jon:** Georgie and Melanie wanted to go out with you, me, Tim, Sasha, and Hannah to discuss pranks if you’re up for it.

**Martin:** You should probably ask them but I know Hannah’s going to visit her grandmother this weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Martin's message is a quote from _The Legend of Luke_ a Redwall book  
> Martin favorite Pokemon is Charmander because he saw Charmander's introductory episode and it broke his heart


	10. The Prank War is a Gas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the Girlfriends finally meet Sasha, Jon is a cuddly drunk again, and Martin is forced to decode

The six of them decide to meet up at a pub since Hannah passed up on being involved with the prank this week. Sasha absolutely geeks out over Melanie.

“How do you know Jon?” She asks.

“I’m dating his ex,” Melanie says with a smile.

“Looks like Jon has always had good taste,” Tim says, winking at Martin.

“Impeccable,” Melanie agrees.

“Yes, Martin and I are gorgeous and brilliant,” Georgie says. “Let’s go back to talking about my talented girlfriend.”

“No, no we’re here to talk about pranks,” Melanie says nudging into Georgie.

“So Jon, how are we avenging ourselves on Martin and Sasha?” Tim asks. “I was thinking maybe something like the ducks for Artifact Storage, as long as we don’t move anything around.”

Sasha makes a thoughtful noise, “I suppose that could work, but I think you’re just saying that to throw me off.”

“I would _never,”_ Tim gasps in offense. “Maybe I’m trying to get you to warn us next week by warning you first.”

“We’ll just have to make a final decision without you then,” Jon says.

“I suppose we’ll have to,” Tim nods. “About the Library, I know a way to rig up a whoopie cushion with compressed air so it goes off every time someone opens a door.”

“Where would Jon put their secret message?” Georgie asks. “A cipher was a great idea, by the way, Sasha.”

“Maybe that will be something Martin has to discover,” Jon says smiling deviously.

As the evening progresses Martin notices as Jon starts to melt against Georgie. It’s not surprising given his nature as a cuddly drunk and that Martin is sitting on the other side of Tim from them, but it still bothers him for some reason. He knows it shouldn’t, Georgie was Jon’s good friend and, like him, his ex. He doesn’t let it bother him. It doesn’t bother him. It’s not until he’s walking to Jon’s flat with them that he realizes how clearly he’d been bothered.

“You’re in a bad mood,” Jon observes.

“I’m not in a bad mood,” he replies grumpily. Jon scrutinizes him the entire lift up to Jon’s flat but they don’t say anything.

“It’s ok if you are,” they say when both Martin and they are in pajamas and on Jon’s couch. “Upset, I mean.”

“It’s silly,” Martin says finally.

“Tell me the joke, then,” Jon replies as they cuddle up to Martin.

“You were cuddling Georgie,” Martin responds in candidness he can only blame on the alcohol.

“If you thought that was funny you should have seen our romance,” Jon snorts against Martin’s neck.

“It can’t have been that bad,” Martin replies in an attempt to move the subject away from his _platonic_ jealousy.

“You were my only other romantic experience,” Jon says. “Imagine if one of your adult partners acted like I did when we were twelve.”

“I...uh...haven’t actually had all that much time for romantic partners; with Mum and everything.”

Jon looks up at him thoughtfully for a moment before yawning and snuggling closer to him. “I just tend to be too much, is all.”

Martin can’t imagine Georgie getting overwhelmed by Jon picking her wildflowers but maybe she did. He supposes there are other reasons to be overwhelmed by romantic gestures than being totally unused to kind gestures in general. He doesn’t press that line of questioning because he can feel his eyes getting heavy.

“We should head to bed,” he mentions, nudging the already dozing Jon.

They wind up following Tim’s original idea of hiding 1-18 and 20 items around Artifact Storage, taking care not to open any cabinets or put anything on spooky tables. Tim opts to buy owls instead of ducks in keeping with the Magnus Institute’s theming and the three of them place them on Tuesday evening. Sasha texts the four of them the following day.

 **Sasha:** i hope you all know retribution will be swift

 **Hannah:** Leave me out of this, I wasnt there

 **Tim:** u had fair warning

 **Sasha:** david, imogen, and the rest of research weren’t there either. come to think of it, you guys got the archives in on you last one…

 **Martin:** Eric is too much of a dad

 **Jon:** Eric is the one who tries to show everyone his son’s tattoo art, right?

 **Sasha:** that’s the one. i was thinking of getting help from michael. i won’t tell him about you guys just pranks

 **Hannah:** Michael is a bby

 **Sasha:** he has untapped chaos, i know it

The first person to walk into the Library after Martin pulls Jon’s secret message off the bottom of the can on Friday morning is Hannah. She pauses when she hears the noise and seeing it nestled on the wall over the door stopper.

“This was Tim’s idea,” she states.

“Was it that obvious?” Martin asks.

She just shrugs, “So are we keeping this on here for the grad students?”

“Unless Imogen wants us to take it off.”

Imogen doesn’t make them take it off and one particularly tired-looking grad student laughs hard enough at it that Martin wonders if it will stay until the can is empty. The same grad student also finds one of the remaining ducks (number 13) so it can take its place atop the desk with the others.  
Jon doesn’t tell him what the keyword for the cipher is and they didn’t have a favorite pokemon as far as Martin knew. They had really just indulged Martin’s ranting with the occasional questions before talking about his own particular interests. One book he remembers them liking in particular, other than _Redwall_ and _Mossflower_ , was _Watership Down_. He tries Fiver, Jon's favorite character, and after a while he comes up with Shakespear’s Sonnet 116. Omitting the first line (which Jon hadn’t) it could be read as a poem about love in general and Jon probably had meant for him to read into it that way. It’s just a combination of Martin's love of poetry and Jon’s love of Shakespeare. That’s all.

 **Martin:** Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks/ Within his bending sickle's compass come;/ Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,/ But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

 **Martin:** Interesting choice

 **Jon:** He’s wrong about love never changing with time. That True Love exists regardless of time is more accurate.

 **Martin:** Did you send it to me so we could debate the nature of “True Love?”

 **Jon:** Not intentionally but I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eric Delano is the coworker who corners you in the break room to show you their child's artwork except that child is an adult tattoo artist.
> 
> Also Fiver has big Beholding energy and you cannot convince me otherwise.


	11. A Twist in the Prank War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More pranks are planned, Elias' crimes are exposed, Martin picks Jon up, and the most/least subtle flirting imaginable happens

**Hannah:** Baby is due next weekend so this will be my last prank b4 my maternity leave

 **Tim:** oh shit

 **Tim:** better make it good

 **Sasha:** how does brunch on sunday sound?

 **Jon:** I’m amicable.

 **Jon:** I’d also like to pick your brain for the following week, Hannah

 **Jon:** I don’t understand why an academic institution like the Magnus Institute has a costumed company Halloween party but we should have a plan for it.

 **Hannah:** I may hav some thoughts

 **Martin:** I can do brunch as well. I did tell you Elias Bouchard was an ineffectual stoner, Jon

 **Tim:** sunday brunch is good

 **Tim:** marto we have 2 tell jon what happened @ the “holiday” party last year

Sasha spends a good part of brunch behaving suspiciously just to rile Tim up.

 _”Did_ you talk to Michael or not?” Tim asks.

“Yes, Tim, I’m going to tell you all about my meeting with Michael Shelley in a graveyard last night,” Sasha replies. “You’ll just have to see what we cooked up.”

“I hope that wasn’t a pun,” Hannah laughs.

“You’ll just have to find out,” Sasha winks at Tim who pretends to be offended.

“I suppose we shall,” Jon says. “How does glitter bombing sound, Martin?”

“I thought about it, but we’d have to clean it up ourselves or the cleaning staff is legally allowed to kill us,” Martin replies.

“Yes, you’re right,” they snort. “I remember being told that on my first day. If I cause undue stress on maintenance or custodial I will be tossed into the Thames.”

“Maybe something spooky?” Hannah offers. “It is October, after all. I still have the list of phobias from last year so we know what to avoid from _most_ of research.”

“Anything but spiders is fine,” Jon says when she looks pointedly at them. “What did you have in mind?”

“Off the top of my head, I think skeletons and witch cackles are fine for everyone,” Hannah says. “So what I’m thinking is have someone “bump” the light switch to reveal some glow-in-the-dark skeletons and maybe play some spooky laughter if it’s not too loud. That way it’s only a minor jump scare.”

“I wouldn’t be able to be the one to knock the lights out,” Martin says. “They’ll suspect me.”

“I’ll do it,” Tim offers. “I can definitely get all four switches in one go.”

“Do you have a lot of practice turning out the lights in Research?” Sasha asks in an amused tone.

“It’s from all of the late-night raves I throw in there,” Tim jokes.

“Elias would probably want an invite,” Martin says.

“Someone was supposed to tell me what he did at the “Holiday” Party last year,” Jon reminds them.

“Oh god,” Martin sighs. “D’you remember when I told you not to mention or interact with Peter Lukas, Elias’ ex-ex-ex-husband?”

Jon nods.

“Occasionally, especially when they’re married, he shows up to Institute parties with Elias. Last year there was an ugliest sweater competition and there was a special prize for couples since we could all bring a plus one. Apparently Peter “forgot” to wear the sweater Elias had picked out for him so they had a row in the middle of the party which would have been uncomfortable if it wasn’t a semiregular thing with them. Then they spent most of the party avoiding each other. I caught Peter _hiding behind the Christmas tree_ sulking because Elias was at the buffet. He offered to pay me to bring him food. Fucking rich people. Anyway, the time comes to announce the winners of the sweater contest. Rosie won the individual one like she has every year since I was hired and when they announce the partner winners Elias looked over to Peter and _shouted across the room,_ “You’ve embarrassed me at the Institute holiday party for the last time, Peter, I want another divorce.” We all somehow managed to avoid laughing until after they left,” Martin explains, doing his best Elias impression.

“I didn’t know about Lukas hiding behind the tree like the Grinch,” Tim snorts.

“That makes it better,” Hannah nods laughing.

“How likely is that to happen on Halloween?” Jon asks.

“No one can keep up with their marriage,” Sasha sighs. “Last I knew they were divorced so Peter _probably_ won’t show up.”

“So what is the plan for Halloween? Are we pranking the party?” Tim asks. Jon looks over at Martin nervously.

“I was actually thinking Martin and I come clean on Halloween,” they reply. “Pull a prank the week before the party and show up in complimentary costumes.”

“At this point, people might just accept it,” Hannah shrugs.

“Sash and I already planned to be the new MIB,” Tim says. “So you two have to pick something else.”

“I’m up for figuring out our costumes later,” Martin says. “We should talk about what we’re going to do Halloween week while we still have Hannah.”

“Yes,” Hannah nods solemnly. “Before the baby steals me away. Spooky will be harder to do in the Library since we don’t know the phobias of visitors.”

“We could skip out on spooky next week,” Martin offers. “I know we considered doing a body spray bomb before.”

“That might still be a bad idea even with Hannah gone,” Jon says thoughtfully.

“Yeah, I’m probably not the only one with a sensitive nose,” Hannah says.

“The Admiral is mostly black though. We could always put pictures of him up somewhere,” Sasha offers.

“Like the ceiling?” Tim asks.

“Ceiling’s a bit high,” Martin replies. “Sticking him high up on the sides of some of the shelves might work.”

“That’s two pranks and Halloween settled then,” Jon says.

“You and I still need to pick out costumes,” Martin points out.

“If you would like to come over to my flat,” they reply. “So we can have a final surprise.”

Jon leans against Martin with their laptop angled so both of them can see the listicle about best friend costumes.

“We could always be Things One and Two,” Jon jokes.

“I'm not sure anyone would like me to be in spandex,” Martin replies. He can see the frown on Jon’s face out of his periphery.

“I may not understand the sexual appeal of someone in spandex,” they say firmly, “but I assure that whatever appeal there is certainly not mitigated when applied to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’d imagine many people would be happy to see you in spandex,” Jon replies. “Maybe not at a work event, however.”

“I meant the other thing,” Martin corrects. “About not getting the sexual appeal?”

“Oh,” Jon says. “I..uh...I don’t really see the appeal of sex. At all. So I just don’t do it. I suppose that’s a deal-breaker for some people but I’m exactly a catch, to begin with.”

It’s Martin’s turn to frown.

“You are a catch,” Martin replies as firmly as Jon had been with him a moment ago. “And any… _moron_ whose put off by not being able to have sex is a loser, anyway.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, Martin,” Jon sighs. “But you know how difficult I am. I appreciate you indulging me.”

“You aren’t difficult,” Martin says firmly. “Stubborn, yeah, but no more than I am.”

“Well,” Jon begins to possibly argue but he seems to think better of it. “How about peanut butter and jelly? You look nice in purple.”

“If you’re the jelly we can find you a squeeze bottle and I can lift you,” Martin jokes.

“You could lift me?”

“Probably,” he shrugs. “Between mum and working out to try and broaden my shoulders I’m pretty strong.”

“I think I’ll need evidence of that,” they say scooting so Martin has room to get off the couch.

“Right now?”

“I don’t see why not.”

So Martin stands up and gets Jon into a bridal carry. They’re slightly heavier than he expects but he could probably carry Jon around some without issue.

“Uh,” Jon says. “Thank-thank you, if you wouldn’t mind putting me down now?”

He set them back on the couch and note that their face is turning almost as red as his. It’s probably embarrassment for Jon. They never liked to be made to feel small.

“So, uh, I’m jelly then?” Martin asks nervously.

“I suppose so. I can’t imagine our co-workers would appreciate you twirling me like a baton.”

On Monday they come in to discover several boxes of doughnuts. The first one has had its contents replaced with some kind of veggie tray and has the words, “doughnuts are in the other boxes ;),” in a spiraling curling hand that Martin assumes must be Michaels. Jon pointedly doesn’t acknowledge Martin being in the breakroom at the same time as them and Martin realizes it’s getting a little annoying. He wants to be able to just sit and laugh with Jon but he has to keep up appearances.

Martin considers what he wants to send Jon as a secret message. Last week Jon had sent a love poem, but they certainly didn’t mean it _romantically._ Maybe he could try and send them one back just to see. Except Jon didn’t much care for poetry on their own, the ones Martin wrote him notwithstanding apparently. More Shakespeare couldn’t go wrong. Sonnet 75 could _almost_ be read platonically although Martin’s pining is certainly toeing the line.

The actual prank goes off without a hitch although putting nonsense letters on the forehead of one of the skeletons did lead to a few of the researchers asking Martin about it. He knew nothing, of course, he wasn’t even in the room when the lights went off after all.

 **Jon:** Now counting best to be with you alone,/Then better’d that the world may see my pleasure;

 **Jon:** Sonnet 75

 **Jon:** Good choice.

 **Martin:** You gave me a sonnet last week so I figured you would appreciate one back.

 **Jon:** I very much do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember: Pranks are only funny if no one has a panic attack


	12. The Prank War Draws to a Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad horror movies with WTGFs, Georgie makes a reasonable assumption, and the final pranks of the prank war (probably)

With no need to plan for upcoming pranks Martin and Jon spend Saturday evening watching bad horror movies with Georgie and Melanie at their flat as an excuse to get some pictures of the Admiral.

“I have costumes,” Georgie offers.

“I would never force him through that indignity for my sake,” Jon replies dramatically. 

“Action shots it is,” Melanie says.

“He is an influencer,” Georgie says. “People might recognize him.”

“Maybe they’ll assume it’s just a cat picture Jon found on the internet,” Martin offers. They take a few pictures of the Admiral playing, eating, and lounging before he gets bored of them. Georgie emails a few other pictures to Jon in case they need extras and Melanie puts the first movie in.

“So who do we think is getting offed first?” Melanie asks while the thirty-year-olds pretending to be teenagers explore the cabin of some slasher monster. The Admiral has wisely sat between her and Jon to achieve maximum pets.

“My money’s on the non-believer,” Jon replies.

“This is a flick from the 80s, Jon,” Georgie says. “They’re going to punish one of those two for horniness first.”

“Not until she takes her shirt off, because horniness crimes are only punishable on screen,” Melanie jokes.

“Why else would they all be 30?” Martin agrees. “They _have_ to justify that with nudity.”

“Who do you think is going to die first, Martin?” Jon asks.

“I don’t know,” Martin begins. “I think that one is going to survive, though.”

“Oh yeah, she’s got big final girl energy,” Melanie agrees.

As the movie goes on the Admiral wanders off and Melanie has almost completely taken over Georgie’s lap, but Jon is still sitting almost completely straight against the couch. Martin wonders if something is wrong. Maybe a love sonnet _had_ made them uncomfortable, but Jon would have told him that. Had he inadvertently given some indication that he didn’t like it when Jon got cuddly? Martin carefully stretches his arm across the back of the couch, not touching them but giving the invitation. They instantly take the invitation and curl against him with a contented sigh. 

“You ok?” Martin whispers as he rests his arm across Jon’s shoulders.

“The movie is too scary,” Jon replies sarcastically. Martin snorts.

“Oh no, don’t open that door,” he deadpans loud enough for the girls to hear him.

“I’m sure it’s _fine_ his friend didn’t just die behind it or anything,” Georgie snorts. The man on the screen opens the door and is greeted by his dead friend whose actor is still visibly breathing.

“He’s fine, see?” Jon points out.

“Yeah, decapitation isn’t fatal,” Melanie snorts.

Jon starts laying across Martin’s lap and he absentmindedly plays with their hair until the movie ends. They watch a few more movies with about the same plot and the snarky comments start to dwindle. The Admiral returns and sits on Melanie’s hip for a nap.

“Looks like you’ve got a sleeping Jon,” Georgie whispers. Jon makes a grumpy noise to indicate that he isn’t sleeping, just dozing so she says slightly louder, “you two can sleep in the guest bedroom if you like.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” Martin replies.

“Nonsense,” she says. “Perfect way to end a double date.”

“Oh, Georgie we’re not-,” Jon says looking slightly panicked.

“Sorry I didn’t mean…,” Georgie replies looking surprised. “The offer is still open. We have a spare mattress if you don’t want to share.”

“Um...Martin if you want to,” Jon begins looking at their feet. Their face is so red.

“Sure,” Martin replies. “If..if you’re ok with it.”

“Jon has to make pancakes in the morning,” Melanie says, cutting the tension.

She shows Jon and Martin where the guest room is and leaves them alone to change. Jon borrows one of Georgie’s sleep shirts and Martin just pulls his top back on after taking off his binder and pulls his packer out of his pants. They decide to just share the bed. They’d done it before with no issue, right?

“Sorry about earlier,” Jon says while Martin climbs into bed.

“I’m sure she was just joking,” Martin shrugs. Jon was clearly humiliated at the assumption they were a couple and that _hurt_ but it’s not like it’s their fault Martin was slowly falling for them again.

“Uh...I’m sure that’s all,” Jon agrees. They don’t reach out to cuddle Martin like they had previous times.

“Is everything alright?”

“As far as I’m aware. Why?”

“It’s just...you aren’t as cuddly as you usually are.”

“Oh...er...I didn’t want you to feel like you had to, so I’m just...letting you initiate,” Jon stammers out. They’re blushing again. Martin carefully rolls over to put his arm across their waist. They tense up before relaxing and scooting closer.

“Is that alright?” Martin asks. He feels like he’s getting away with something. Like cuddling his friend who he has feelings for breaking some unspoken rule.

Jon makes a noise of approval before rolling over and tucking their whole body against his.

“Little spoon puts you in prime tickling position,” Martin whispers.

“You _wouldn’t.”_

“No, I won’t.”

**Tim:** we forgot something

 **Tim:** we didnt plan revenge on archives and as

 **Martin:** As what?

 **Jon:** Artifact Storage?

 **Tim:** yeah

 **Tim:Tim:** we still need vengeance 4 the donuts

 **Martin:** Breakroom again?

 **Jon:** How about one of those candy bowls that grab you?

 **Tim:** those things r rediculous 

**Tim:** but im in

 **Tim:** 1 of u is gonna have 2 get the bowl

 **Tim:** ill get the candy

 **Martin:** The store near my flat has them

 **Jon:** I expect the battery to be out of it by lunch.

Jon is correct. No one admits to taking the battery out in order to get the candy but by lunch it’s sitting forlornly next to the bowl. The major suspects are Morgan from Artifact Storage and Sarah from the Archives because they are both known to carry a pocket knife which may have a screwdriver attachment. Michael suggests the head archivist may have done it since she didn’t need him to get her tea this morning. They agree not to replace the battery because the three hand puns the bowl plays aren’t worth it.

For the final Library prank, Martin and Sasha stay late on Wednesday to start putting up pictures so Tim and Jon can finish up but getting there early on Thursday. Many of the visitors seem to enjoy looking up and seeing the Admiral. This leads to two more ducks being found while people look for more pictures. Jon leaves a photo of the Admiral in a little captain’s hat on the desk with the code written out on the back.

He has two days to crack the code before the Halloween party but he’s at a loss. He’s pretty sure it’s a six letter word but he runs through everything he knows about Jon and nothing fits. Maybe Jon will give him a hint on Saturday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 16/18 ducks have been found, Martin hid those last two too well


	13. The Halloween Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin solves the cipher, the Halloween party is alright, and everyone gently roasts JMart.

Jon seems especially nervous on Friday. They only pass Martin once in the hall but he can see all the tension in Jon’s body. Martin texts him later to check upon them.

 **Martin:** Are you ok? You seemed a bit tense earlier

 **Jon:** I’m fine, thank you.

 **Jon:** Have you solved my cipher yet?

 **Martin:** Don’t think I don’t see you changing the subject. I haven’t yet. I know it’s a six letter word but I’ve gone through all the things I know you like and I haven’t got a clue

 **Jon:** Would you like a hint?

 **Martin:** I was going to ask you for one tomorrow but if you give it to me now I’ll have it solved by this evening

 **Jon:** You haven’t gone through everything I like.

 **Jon:** More specifically, you’ve forgotten a pretty important person in my life.

 **Martin:** The Admiral isn’t six letters

 **Jon:** Must not be him then.

 **Martin:** I’ll have it figured out by tonight; I left the paper at home. Whatever you’re stressed about will turn out fine

 **Jon:** I hope it does.

Martin had never considered how many names have seven letters until he had to find one with six. Georgie and Melanie were both seven. Tim was three but Timothy was seven. He discounted most of their co-workers at the Institute since as far as he knew Jon only hung out with the people involved in the pranks. He’d never met their bandmates but most of them had far longer than six-letter stage names. He turns it over in his head while stacking books and on the tube ride home. On a whim, he tries his own name.

 **Jon:** Have you solved it yet?

 **Martin:** I’m coming over

 **Jon:** If I’ve done something to make you uncomfortable just tell me.

 **Jon:** I treasure our friendship over whatever other feelings I have for you.

 **Jon:** All you have to do is tell me and we don’t ever have to speak of this again.

 **Martin:** You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m coming over in “guileless love,” and you don’t get to confess to me with Keats and not look me in the eye while doing it.

The thing is Jon _hates_ Keats, but they know how much Martin likes him. Jon used his chosen name and his favorite poet to confess their feelings for him. He tries his best not to cry on the tube to Jon’s flat. If they’re going to make Martin cry then they’re going to deal with it. He stops by a flower shop to pick up some flowers on the way and he waits nervously in the lift up to Jon’s flat.

He doesn’t even have to knock, as soon as he gets close enough Jon opens the door for him. Once he’s inside Jon cups his face carefully and holds him at eye level.

“I cry your mercy—pity—love!—ay, love! / Merciful love that tantalizes not / One-thoughted, / never-wandering, guileless love, / Unmask’d, and being seen—without a blot! / O! let me have thee whole,—all—all—be mine! / That shape, that fairness, that sweet minor zest / Of love, your kiss,—those hands, those eyes divine,” Jon says softly until his voice cracks and they wipe the tears running down Martin’s face with their thumbs. “Sorry, I only had about twenty minutes to memorize it.”

Martin cups Jon’s cheek in the hand that isn’t holding flowers and replies, “That warm, white, lucent, million-pleasured breast,— / Yourself—your soul—in pity give me all, / Withhold no atom’s atom or I die, / Or living on, perhaps, your wretched thrall, / Forget, in the mist of idle misery, / Life’s purposes,—the palate of my mind / Losing its gust, and my ambition blind! I’ve...um...memorized a bit of Keats.”

“Then there’s no missing my meaning, I suppose,” Jon replies, leaning forward to rest his forehead against Martin’s. Martin tilts his head so their lips are nearly touching and Jon takes the hint to close the space. Jon kisses him softly and carefully before pulling away and asking, “I take it these are good tears?”

“Yeah, yeah they’re good,” he sighs.

“We should probably put those flowers somewhere, love.”

“Are they ok? I wasn’t sure…” Martin begins but Jon quiets him with another kiss.

“They’re gorgeous, just like the man who brought them,” they say as they take the flowers to a vase.

“I was hoping to get something as lovely as you but these were the closest,” Martin replies.

“Good lord, you _are_ a charmer,” Jon laughs.

“Says the one who confessed their feelings through a cipher and poetry.” Martin points out as he follows Jon. “That’s what you were nervous about, wasn’t it?”

“Of course, I didn’t know how you’d react,” Jon replies, eyes still shining with tears.

“Jon, I gave you a sonnet about how jealously I pine for you.”

“Have we really been hinting our feelings at each other for the past three weeks?”

“Oh my god we _have,”_ Martin giggles.

“No one can know,” Jon says in a failed attempt to sound serious because he’s laughing as well.

“Don’t worry, I’ll only tell them about this one,” Martin says in equally failed solemnity. He reaches out and pulls Jon into a hug. They hum contently and hug him back.

“Would you like to have dinner with me?” Jon asks with his chin resting on Martin’s shoulder.

“Tonight?”

“Sure, a proper date and we can talk about whether this changes tomorrow’s plans or not.”

“Did you have somewhere in mind?”

“There’s a Thai place half a block from here if you’d like.”

They walk to dinner on a shared cloud nine. Martin is pretty sure Jon is actually glowing but it could just be how absolutely smitten he feels. Every time he looks over he looks at Jon his heart skips a beat. They sit in a booth near the back of the restaurant and Martin swears Jon’s smile makes the place seem brighter.

“I can’t believe you figured out six letters and didn’t _immediately_ guess your own name,” Jon says once their food arrives.

“Well I…” Martin begins but doesn’t finish because whatever he can think of sounds horrifically self-deprecating.

“You were the first person who made me feel _seen,”_ they continue. “I’m not good at this but… I don’t know who I’d be if I never met you.”

“I get what you mean,” Martin nods. “You, uh, were the same for me.”

“I meant what I said about Sonnet 116. I think love changes. I think it will be better this time because we’re both _ourselves,”_ Jon says, adjusting his blouse for emphasis.

“I think it will be better this time because we won’t have to sneak around your gran,” Martin replies and Jon snorts.

“I hope so. I don’t think I can climb up 5 stories to your flat.”

“I suppose I’d be the one climbing now. Since you’ve got the long hair.”

“Are you calling me Rapunzel?”

“I distinctly recall you calling me that, first. How does beloved sound instead?”

As Martin does this he taps his foot gently against Jon’s.

“Beloved is good,” Jon replies with a lovely blush spreading across their nose. “I don’t mind boyfriend but significant other or partner are preferred. No one’s ever called me datemate before but you can try.”

Jon taps his foot against Martin’s.

“That sounds like a challenge,” Martin snorts and taps back. “ _God,_ we’re probably going to have to fill out paperwork with HR.”

“Do you think if we promise xem not to do PDA on the premises Siobhan will be lenient?” Jon asks, putting their foot on top Martin’s. “Of course if we tell everyone tomorrow they’ll assume those unfortunate rumors from before are true.”

“Xey’re the only one it would be wise to tell,” Martin replies, sliding his foot from under Jon’s to place it on top their’s. “It isn’t _untrue_ to tell everyone else that we’re best friends.”

“Tim and Sasha might notice,” Jon points out, switching their foot with Martin’s. “Especially if we play footsie tomorrow night.”

“We can tell them,” Martin agrees, continuing the game of footsie. “Or everyone. It’s up to you.”

“Well, our costumes aren’t romantic enough,” Jon says thoughtfully. “And I’d rather speculation about our sex life be kept to a minimum. So we’ll tell Tim and Sasha later.”

The Institute Halloween Party is an afternoon affair on the 27th so everyone, Tim, Sasha, Jon, and Martin, agree to meet up for drinks later on with Melanie and Georgie possibly joining them at some point. Martin comes to Jon’s flat with a change of clothes for after the party and an overnight bag for staying with Jon through the weekend.

Their costumes are decently made facades of jars that fit neatly over their street clothes. Tim and Sasha wear matching black suits and sunglasses; Tim is also apparently wearing a cheap Thor costume under his suit to really sell it. A good portion of the Institute gives the Halloween party a pass and Martin had only been once before, but there are still a decent number of people. Eric is dressed as a ghost, Michael has had someone paint him to look like abstract art (Martin assumes he’s going somewhere after this), Imogen is wearing all black with a red dot over her stomach (like HAL9000 allegedly), and David is just in a onesie. Elias is dressed exactly the same except he has green contacts in his eyes.

“I _am_ in costume,” he insists. “I’m really Jonah Magnus and I’ve placed my eyeballs into the head of every head of my Institute since I “died.” Spooky, right?”

“Whatever you say, Mr. Bouchard,” Rosie agrees although she’s clearly not paying attention. She is in a dress with a spiderweb pattern and put on glasses that add several eyes to her head. When she looks up to see Jon and Martin come in she says, “are you two doing a doubles costume?”

“Yes, we are,” Jon says proudly, bumping into Martin.

“Of all the things I thought was going on with you two,” David begins pauses for a moment and continues. “Actually this makes sense.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll make you forget later, anyway,” Tim says with a wink and a flash of what is most certainly a pen.

“Tim, don’t I can’t think of more pranks,” Martin jokingly pleads.

“Tim was in on it?” David asks, flabbergasted.

“Tim and I both were, actually,” Sasha says, casually leaning on Tim.

“I didn’t know you were this devious Martin,” David says. “I’m both afraid and impressed.”

David wanders off at some point after Rosie comes over to show them pictures of Hannah’s new baby. This prompts Eric to start showing off his son’s artistic skills again because he’s never not bragging about Gerry.

Michael bumps into him while he’s plating up food for Jon and himself.

“You know,” he says with a devious grin. “Just because you two are done doesn’t mean the prank war won’t continue.”

“If the Archives wants to prank war with all of Research, you’re welcome to,” Martin replies. “Just leave the Library out of it.”

Michael laughs and winks while Martin heads back over Jon who is speaking emphatically to Tim and Sasha. As soon as they see Martin Jon positions themself so he’s nearly bumping shoulders with Martin. Sasha raises her eyebrows at Martin in a familiar way that he realizes probably means she caught on to his and Jon’s mutual pinning long before he did. A heads up would have been nice but he doesn’t say anything. They’ll tell everyone they’re dating tonight, anyway.

Elias spends the rest of the afternoon trying to explain that his lazy costume is actually really clever but he still loses the costume contest to Michael and his non-euclidean face paint. Everyone disperses after a bit of clean up and Martin goes with Jon to get ready.

“That went well,” Jon says while Martin braids their hair. Martin is extremely out of practice but Jon doesn’t seem to mind the looseness of the braid or when he stops and starts because he loses track of the strands.

“I was expecting someone to shoot soda out of their nose,” Martin replies. “So there’s that point of disappointment.”

“It could still happen when we tell our friends we’re dating.”

“I think they all expect it, honestly.”

“I’m sure _Georgie_ does.”

“Sasha has been giving me a look the past few weeks and I may have just realized why.”

Jon starts laughing and Martin totally loses the braid when they throw their head back. Martin can’t help but laugh, too and in a fit of mirth he brings his hands over Jon’s ribs to tickle him.

“Martin!” Jon shouts as he tries to squirm away. Martin pulls them into his lap and continues tickling. “Betrayal! This is betrayal!”

“If you want I can-” Martin offers but he’s cut off when Jon squirms around enough to tickle him back. They stop after a few moments with Jon still sitting in his lap, breathless. “Sorry about your braid.”

“I can just wear it in a bun. It will cost you a kiss, though,” they say smiling and Martin happily obliges. “Everyone knew but us, didn’t they?”

“Do you want to just see how long it takes them to notice that something has changed?” Martin asks. Jon makes a thoughtful noise.

“How do you feel about public displays of affection? I’m not a fan of kissing in front of others but there are plenty of things we can do and then act as if it isn’t unusual.”

“Are we seriously just going to play footsie and hold hands until someone notices?” Martin snorts.

“Why not?” Jon replies.

“Oh no, I think it’s great,” Martin assures. “Just like my datemate.”

“Hm, still not sure about that one.”

It takes Tim all of about three seconds to notice the two of them have their hands laced together.

“So was the constant obvious pining part of the prank or are you two just messy?” He asks while he and Sasha slide into the booth.

“Who’s to say it wasn’t a bit of both?” Jon replies before taking a sip of their drink.

“The “both” bit being you two sending love letters via cipher?” Sasha asks and Jon turns red.

“We-you-I- you weren’t supposed to read those,” Martin stammers.

“I didn’t,” she laughs. “I just guessed.”

By the time Georgie and Melanie show up Jon has nearly migrated entirely into Martin’s lap despite not having drunk much. Georgie laughs but doesn’t say anything. Melanie ignores them both in favor of talking to Sasha.

“The train yard _still_ won’t give us permission to film there,” she laments.

“Well,” Sasha replies. “The Institute could use some practical research in ghost trains. I suppose I could get you permissions if you let some of my assistants come with you.”

“You’re a treasure, Sasha,” Melanie says. Then she looks at Jon and Martin, “I see you two worked it out already. Tim, you owe me five quid.”

“I am appalled that you two would _gamble_ about our relationship,” Jon says.

“Jon’s got a _boyfriend,”_ Georgie says in a teasing tone and Jon huffs. “I should warn you, Martin. Drunk Jon is a full-on octopus if you’re their s/o.”

“Like that’s a bad thing,” Martin replies, pushing Jon’s shoulder down with his chin.

Jon fully tangles themself with Martin as the night progresses and convinces him to lift carry them so their friends could see how strong he is. He’s pretty sure his face is burning when he puts Jon down and Jon looks like he’s going to turn into a tomato. The night winds down and eventually the two of them are riding the lift to Jon’s flat.

“Martin,” Jon says.

“Yeah?”

“Mahhhhtin,” Jon continues like he’s chewing the word. “Mahhhhhhtiiiiiiiin. ‘S a good name you know? Suits you.”

“Er, thank you.”

“I know you don’t need my approval or anything,” Jon rambles as they walk down the hallway to his flat. “I just like it.”

“I sort of wondered what you’d think of it when I chose it,” the alcohol says for Martin. Jon makes a noise of surprise and stops.

“I’m going to kiss you breathless once we’re in my flat,” they say firmly. As soon as the flat is unlocked Martin is in fact kissed dizzy by his life long best friend and beloved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why didn't Martin at least guess Martin the Warrior? Great question  
> Where are those final two ducks? Martin may have forgotten where he hid them. I'm sure they'll turn up at some point.
> 
> Thank you all for reading and for all the lovely comments.  
> I'm @leighistired on Tumblr. Come say hi!


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